Four

So how have you been doing, Leia? Hope you have been good all year round.

I’m sorry your dad and I can’t be there with you today, it’s your birthday afterall, your FOURTH! It’s kinda hard for us to be with you, I’m sure you know how much we would want to be there, together as a family.

I guess the birthday party or parties (there must be endless time for more than one!) must have been good, please just make sure you are nice to everyone who attended and made them feel special too.

Your brothers send their special birthday wishes, in their own special ways.

Your older brother, Tyler, had wrote you a mini-card (I told him we have no space on your wall to put up a big card unfortunately), but I am sure you will feel the humungous happy thoughts that came from him to you.

Isaac, your younger brother, almost 21 months, will most likely give you a kiss on your little picture. I hope you will get it, feel it and magnified it many times over.

The latest craze this year is really all about Frozen, Elsa and Anna. Maybe you caught the movie on one of those amazing heavenly movie nights, and I wonder if you prefer Elsa or Anna. I reckon if you are here with us, you would have asked for a Frozen party. And gotten your brothers to dress up as Sven and Olaf.

Maybe you would have been real headstrong and insisted on being Kristoff. Either way, we would have allowed you to be anything you want to be.

I hope you stay close in spirit with your brothers, and watch over them as they grow. Speak to them if you can. Tyler asked again earlier this afternoon, when will you be coming back? You have been in heaven too long. And why did you die?

And I answered him as I had done many times before, and also to remind myself.

She isn’t coming back.

Yes, she has been in heaven for quite a while now. She will be there for a long time, until we see her again.

But I still grapple with the last question. Why did you die?

There are many other cases of preemies who were born at an earlier gestation week than you and they survived and are thriving now. There are those with worse health issues than you, yet they are alive though continuous medical care is required.

And then the self doubts and guilt set in.

Did I make the right medical decisions for you?
Maybe I should have just used a new feeding tube and milk bag for you instead of just washing and sterilising it?
Did you slowly fade away ‘cos your breathing cannula was blocked somewhat and you ended up not getting enough oxygen and suffocated on your CO2?
Maybe I should have noticed your lethargy that night?
Maybe I didn’t do the CPR correctly that day?

Why did you die? Your brother asked.

And I just answered him, you were not well, your lungs were not good. You had to go.

I guess we will have this discussion for eternity and maybe laugh about all these silly guilt trips I have over some coffee and cake. Or wine.

“Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin”

Leia, you have been a good kid.

Still missing you.
Mama
1 Aug 2014

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