When A Cynic Prays

I just found out another kid’s medical condition has worsened and doctors are preparing his parents for the worst. While many have prayed for miracles, it seems this is probably not going to be one of those days for miracles.

I am not sure if I still believe in miracles… or even that prayers will bring forth one. I don’t know if I am more cynical since 2010 or maybe I’ve always been a practical person. I know of the many good things in my life, even me living and breathing is a miracle itself. I nearly got knocked down years ago, sandwiched between two cars, if their angles were slightly off, I wouldn’t be here. I had a few close shaves, living dangerously perhaps, but God kept me around. Those times, I didn’t pray or even have anyone prayed for me, but I guess one doesn’t need prayers to have a miracle.

If it is already in God’s plan for something extraordinary to happen, can it still be considered a miracle? And do we actually think, kinda thick skinned of us to assume that our prayers have more power that God’s, that we can influence Him and change His mind.

Truth is, when we have nothing left in our bag of tools or we are humbled by the fact that we are absolutely helpless, there is nothing we can do but pray. Yet, I feel terribly hypocritical when I say that I have prayed for someone, because behind every word is a doubt that lingers and gnaws. That my word doesn’t stand as well, because I don’t know His plans. If I knew, Leia would have lived.

Truth is, it sucks to have your hopes raised.

Five

So I’ve been letting this blog slide. The last time I wrote was exactly a year ago, on your birthday.

I’m not really sure what to say, I think you know what’s on my mind before the words are formed and even before I know if that’s what I really meant.

Your big brother always asks me to tell him a story during our car ride home from grandma’s. And your littlest brother, 33-months-old, seems to enjoy my silly tales too.

I have never told you any stories, and since today is your birthday, your 5th birthday, I will tell you one.

A little flower decided that it was done being a flower and living the rest of its life in the soil, doing the same thing every day like the rest of its family. 

“I’m going to fly away and see new things and be free,” the determined little flower told the rest of the flowers in the meadow.

The other flowers just nodded gently in the light breeze and ignored the little flower, thinking it was just being foolish. 

Then one day, a strong gust of wind blew through the meadow and kept blowing harder each time. The little flower stood straighter and thought the next time the wind blew, it would be able to fly away.

And indeed it did.

The little flower floated and flew through the air and felt as light as a bird. It could see all the other flowers in the meadow shaking their heads. But the little flower did not care what they thought. It was free. 

The little flower flew to different lands and saw many interesting sights. There were other flowers that were bigger and brighter. Trees that grew so tall and blocked out the sky above. There were huge animals that roamed through the lands and small ones living inside houses. It saw mountains that were green, then white and green again. Or waves that mostly rippled and sometimes roared at the darkened skies. 

As it traveled far and wide, and as the days became months, the little flower felt lonely and the many sights below did not excite it anymore. It longed to return to the meadows where the rest of his family and friends were. 

But no matter how much or how far the wind blew, the little flower just could not return to the meadow of its past. And just as suddenly the wind became a gentle breeze and the little flower found itself slowly floating back down to the ground. 

It looked around and found that it had landed on a patch of black soil. Suddenly the little flower felt that it was in the air again, and just as quickly, the little flower was stretched out a little by something and it was made to stand up straight. 

The little flower was puzzled and confused. As it tried to make sense of what had just happened, a gentle voice said, “Wonderful, Leia, you planted that pretty yellow flower in this flower pot all by yourself. Now, remember that this will be your flower and you have to take good care of it everyday.”

The little flower liked every word and felt it had come home afterall. 

Missing you lots, Leia. 

All the time. 

Love,

Mama, Papa and your brothers

Four

So how have you been doing, Leia? Hope you have been good all year round.

I’m sorry your dad and I can’t be there with you today, it’s your birthday afterall, your FOURTH! It’s kinda hard for us to be with you, I’m sure you know how much we would want to be there, together as a family.

I guess the birthday party or parties (there must be endless time for more than one!) must have been good, please just make sure you are nice to everyone who attended and made them feel special too.

Your brothers send their special birthday wishes, in their own special ways.

Your older brother, Tyler, had wrote you a mini-card (I told him we have no space on your wall to put up a big card unfortunately), but I am sure you will feel the humungous happy thoughts that came from him to you.

Isaac, your younger brother, almost 21 months, will most likely give you a kiss on your little picture. I hope you will get it, feel it and magnified it many times over.

The latest craze this year is really all about Frozen, Elsa and Anna. Maybe you caught the movie on one of those amazing heavenly movie nights, and I wonder if you prefer Elsa or Anna. I reckon if you are here with us, you would have asked for a Frozen party. And gotten your brothers to dress up as Sven and Olaf.

Maybe you would have been real headstrong and insisted on being Kristoff. Either way, we would have allowed you to be anything you want to be.

I hope you stay close in spirit with your brothers, and watch over them as they grow. Speak to them if you can. Tyler asked again earlier this afternoon, when will you be coming back? You have been in heaven too long. And why did you die?

And I answered him as I had done many times before, and also to remind myself.

She isn’t coming back.

Yes, she has been in heaven for quite a while now. She will be there for a long time, until we see her again.

But I still grapple with the last question. Why did you die?

There are many other cases of preemies who were born at an earlier gestation week than you and they survived and are thriving now. There are those with worse health issues than you, yet they are alive though continuous medical care is required.

And then the self doubts and guilt set in.

Did I make the right medical decisions for you?
Maybe I should have just used a new feeding tube and milk bag for you instead of just washing and sterilising it?
Did you slowly fade away ‘cos your breathing cannula was blocked somewhat and you ended up not getting enough oxygen and suffocated on your CO2?
Maybe I should have noticed your lethargy that night?
Maybe I didn’t do the CPR correctly that day?

Why did you die? Your brother asked.

And I just answered him, you were not well, your lungs were not good. You had to go.

I guess we will have this discussion for eternity and maybe laugh about all these silly guilt trips I have over some coffee and cake. Or wine.

“Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin”

Leia, you have been a good kid.

Still missing you.
Mama
1 Aug 2014

I Can Only Imagine…

While driving home on Christmas Eve with your two brothers seated quietly in the backseat, your dad said, “Christmas has a different meaning to us.”
And I replied, “Yes it does, but we have to make it happy for the boys.”

And so 26 Dec has finally came and ended. Your dad misses you in his own way, while I make it my personal mission to keep your memory alive. We talk about you to your brothers as if you are still very much with us, yet, there is that bitterness that doesn’t go away even though this is now the 3rd year of your passing.

Family photos just don’t feel complete.

Isaac, your younger brother and almost 14 months, would hug and kiss your happy-go-lucky big brother Tyler, and I would imagine you joining in.

Or when both the boys are chasing one another down, for a brief second, I imagine you shrieking after them as you play with your brothers.

Your Brothers This Christmas 2013

When we are on our way to grandma’s, Isaac would be snug in the sling and I will be holding Tyler’s hand and my other hand … empty. It would have been nice to have my hands full.

I feel comforted when your big brother tells me that he sees you watching over him as he sleeps. That you are happy in heaven with Jesus and God. That he wants to buy you a present or write you a card on your birthday.

That he loves you so much.

And somehow, you told him to tell me…  you love your dad and I.

I really hope you don’t stop talking to your sometimes scatter-brained brother.

Since Isaac has never known you, your dad and I feel it even more important to tell him about his brave sister. He would point at your picture when I ask him, “Where’s 姐姐 (older sister)?” And I would raise him high up onto my shoulder so that he can see you, always with a big grin on his face.

I was giving Isaac his bath one day and I was missing you too much, so I asked the same question out of habit,

“Where’s 姐姐?”

Isaac looked at me and pointed upwards to the ceiling of the bathroom, as if to tell me, she is in heaven, Mama, and she is ok.

I know you are, more than ok, in heaven. But I still imagine all that could have been. Don’t forget we love you.

[youtube:http://youtu.be/OEW_xenfaz0%5D

Why?

Monday night, a tweet update appeared on my Facebook Newsfeed, requesting for help in finding a 17-month-old boy. A photograph of the mother and the baby was attached in the tweet, both looking happy and smiling so wide at the camera. The little boy had the same toothy grin as my younger son.

I shared that on Facebook, with the tagline that I’m hoping this is a cruel hoax but that if it is true, perhaps someone will be able to find this boy.

I guess when one is a parent, a mother especially, the worst fear that is losing one’s child is felt most even if the child belongs to someone else.

The next day, it was reported that the baby boy’s body had been found floating out at sea, near the Bedok Jetty and while the mother had been saved from drowning a few hours before, he was dead.

This news rattled me, my heart ached and I couldn’t seem to breathe. I look at my two boys and had to hug them tighter. I looked at my daugher’s photo and felt I was back in the hospital cradling her body.

So these few days, the papers had this on front-page news. I couldn’t and didn’t want to read the details, but it is really hard to look at the picture of this happy boy and not imagine how he died. A good friend commented that the little boy would have thought his mum was taking him for a swim. That killed me… because that would have been the kind of trust my sons have in me too.

His mother has been charged for murder and yet, I feel so sad for her.

I don’t want to judge her for what she did. Some had said, if there was a problem raising the child, just put up for adoption or let the grandparents or his father to take care instead. What drove her to do what she did?

I feel people need some kind of answer, some logical explanation to things, a sense of closure so that we can move on. But really, does it really matter?

“Filicide, the act of a parent killing his or her own child”. This article was written back in August 2010 and reported in CNN. And in the article, it lists some possible reasons why mothers kill: long-term stress, the lack of positive social support, mental illnesses.

Sure filicide is unthinkable, it goes against the order of things. Parents are suppose to care, to nurture, to love most of all, if not, why have kids.

To do otherwise, is just being evil.

It pains me that another child’s life is snuffed out. Perhaps his mother wouldn’t need to be in this horrible position if she had been a little more rational and sought help.

But really?

When you are stuck in a rut and when things feel like there is no hope, and you realise perhaps there is no one else you can trust to take care of the one person you love too much, that you feel the best thing for this person is for him to leave with you. Because you feel to leave him alone in the world without you is even worse and you just can’t live with that thought either.

I know, it’s screwed up thinking… I felt that way at times when I was so helpless watching my daughter struggled with every breath in the High Dependency Ward. The only people who stopped me from going any further with this thought were my husband and my older son.

For months after Leia’s death, I felt guilty that I didn’t check on her more often the morning before she died when she looked more tired than usual. I felt guilty for not hugging her more, for not telling her “I love you”.  I felt guilty to smile and laugh. I felt guilty for not trying harder to make her feel better. I felt guilty for living. I thought about joining her too.

Guilt still hits me and makes me feel that I have been a bad parent.

The worst is the guilt and I think that guilt is racking through his mum every minute.

I really hope she seeks help for whatever had bothered her so much, that her family and friends will not make things worse and condemn her even if this is such a horrible chain of events.

I pray for her soul. And for peace to those who should be there for her now.

Imagining An Alternate Universe

Where you would be in the school your mum grew up and made some good lasting friendships.
You would be a MGS girl, all the way.
And how proud I will be to see you in the uniform, cute but all grown up, and with a bob. Your mum is not a fancy hairstylist who can braid your hair in different styles every other day, so we will keep it simple and maintenance-free.
Then again, you may just hate going to school.
And I will have to cajole, bribe, scare you into going, and maybe even drag you out of bed, out of the house and into the car 🙂
We will never know, I guess.

Ballerina Flats

So this week has been harder than I thought.

Don’t get me wrong, I hold you so close to my heart and you are always on my mind. A song, a scene from a movie or a TV show, a picture, a quote, a news article can make me think of you and cause me to feel sad for awhile.

But twice a year, I just find it harder to breathe. I become more guarded, I act as if I don’t let it eat into me, but it gnaws on that same spot that hasn’t quite heal from the last time. I smiled and look for something to laugh at, someone to laugh with (your brothers and your dad are great at that). I distract myself with work, things like checking out Amazon for good buys, but it’s just temporary.

Is it just me or time just kinda slows down when we get to August and December.

Last Thursday, I had lunch at Wang Cafe after taking your older brother to school. My usual fare, Mee Siam set with Iced Lemon Tea.

Along came a mother pushing a stroller with a baby, about your younger brother’s age, and a little girl standing on the Lascal Buggy Board. The eldest child, a boy maybe about eight years old, took up the rear. The mother found a table right in front of me, gave instructions to the older brother and the little girl to sit there while she went to place her order, taking the youngest with her.

The little girl, the middle child, decided to take out the Crayola markers from the pouch and some Disney Princess colouring sheets. Her older brother, quite mischevious actually, decided to disturb her by dropping his coin into the back of her dress.

She had the prettiest light grey dress and shiny silver ballerina flats. Her hair was tied up into a short ponytail and she got more and more irritated with her older brother. Although she tried to show her displeasure by giving him the look and pushing his hand away, she didn’t throw any tantrum and decided that the best way for him to stop whatever he was doing was to ignore him and she continued to colour her Belle.

I nearly died there. It was really hard to keep the emotions at bay. My jaws were clenched and my eyes started to sting.

The mother came back and their food came shortly. She cut up the noodles into smaller bits and put aside some chicken macaroni soup for the two older children. The youngest, the baby, started to fuss a little in the stroller but stopped when he found a toy to chew on.

The little girl was too short to eat her macaroni seated on the stool, so she had to kneel on it and ate her lunch on her own.

I left before they finished.

That little girl was you, Leia.

That would have been all of us, you, me, both your brothers.

And it sucks that it isn’t.

On Monday, I saw them again at Wang Cafe. What a coincidence, except the mother had taken the two older children with her.

Once again, the little girl had to kneel on the stool to eat her chicken macaroni soup.

She had another pair of ballerina flats, a light blue one. The prettiest blue I have ever seen. The blue that I would have gotten you this year.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Leia.
We miss you here, always.

“As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”

Dearest Leia

It’s been two years since the good Lord had taken you home, where you are free from your illness and pain.

Your papa and I still miss you dearly and not a day goes by, when we don’t see your face in our minds. We make sure your big brother remembers you by talking about you as if you are still around.

Some days I still find myself crippled by a deep sadness and remembers your cold hardened body in the cot all wrapped up in the blue sterile hospital cloth. The ER team had just tried their best to save you but life is such, some prayers just have a “No” as the answer.

I remembered staring at you, and my confused state of mind told me this was not you. Your nasal tube had been taken out and every few seconds, blood will flow out of your nostril. I tried my best to wipe that off, but still it flowed out. Your life has ended and yet it still flowed.

December has not been the same since you left. Still, it is better this year. The pain is not as sharp, but dull. The longing not as prolonged, but it is still draining.

I guess time does smoothen out those jagged memories and that’s good. Your little brother, Isaac, all almost two months old, has also helped to keep me focus on the good. We took him to “see” you yesterday, Christmas day itself, at the columbarium and told him of his brave and feisty big sister.

We miss you, too much.

Loving you always and forever

Mama

Two Years On… Happy 2nd Birthday

I remember a year ago, while putting together your memorial video as a way to celebrate your 1st birthday, my heart was still aching and I have somewhat found a way to get my life back together again.

I don’t think I’m back to normal, I have changed, so has your dad. It’s ridiculous to say life is back to normal, because nothing is normal since you passed. You changed us when you were born, and changed us again at your death. Our shattered lives took a long time to figure out this New Normal, and yet when we think we are ok, there will be reminders to suck us back into the black hole of horrors and pain.

I would love to write about the happy things of how we have healed, or that we have gotten over your death, or to list down all the good and positive things that had happened to us since 26 Dec 2010 so that it will be an encouraging thing to anyone feeling depressed and downtrodden.

The truth is, while I’m laughing more, feeling happier, even hopeful especially since you are going to have a younger brother (I’m sure you knew before we did, I reckon the Good Lord must have kept you in the loop), in quieter moments, I am still consumed with a certain amount of guilt and emptiness that comes, I guess, with the fact that you aren’t around.

I don’t think that will ever go away. A part of me doesn’t want it to go away, doesn’t want to let go totally, because I don’t want to forget you.

I can’t just remember the goodness of your birth, and ignore your death. It will be denying your life, your reality, however brief it may be.

I had written about your birth shortly after you were born, and it should be time to write about your death too. I’ve tried to block out that part of your life but it’s just futile.

The funny thing about birthdays is if you think hard about it, there’s really nothing much to celebrate. Happy that the previous year is finally over? Getting older? Moving a step closer to your grave? But of course, we celebrate, the hope of a another year, of blessings and happy things that will come our way. Your big brother is already planning for his 5th birthday, and we wouldn’t want to disappoint him either.

Likewise if you have been around, this year, I wonder if you would finally be given the all clear.

No more additional oxygen via the nasal canula. No more horrid sounding pumping of the O2 concentrator.

That you would have been off the feeding tube for awhile already and could actually taste how yummy chocolate cake would be.

I wouldn’t have to hear any more heart-breaking alarms going off each time your blood-oxygen level went down.

Or to hear your cries when the doctor peel your eyelids apart and insert the metal apparatus onto your eye socket so as to check on your ROP.

There wouldn’t be a need to accompany you into the motion-X Ray room and wait outside while I hear your screams as the docs and nurses insert a longer feeding tube into your small intestine ‘cos it has either come out or you have grown older and required a longer one.

Or when you were home, and whimpered in discomfort and I couldn’t do anything more to make you feel better. And one night, after being woken up repeatedly by you and the incessant alarms, I lost it and actually scolded you while carrying you in my arms. And I felt I was the worst mother in the world, and held you tight and hoped you would not think of me as such.

I still hear those cries… and they still breaks me apart.

My dearest Leia, I still feel I should have done more for you. Before you were born, the doctors did prepare us that the survival rates have improved ‘cos of medical advances but there would be medical problems you would face. And after your birth, we were so optimistic that everything will just be alright. Because you survived and we would just wait till you were stronger, take you home and things will be as it should be.

Even when medical issues came up one after the other, still we were damn sure you would be ok. It would just be a matter of time, we would wait… for you to get well, get better.

Lots of people prayed for you, for us. So did we. I remembered telling God just shortly after giving birth to you, thanking Him for you and that you weren’t a stillborn and that your cries were quite loud and powerful, so those lungs were ok.

Then as your stay progressed on in NICU, I prayed that you would stop losing weight and God answered.

Just when we thought your lungs would be ok, somehow you had an infection and that scared us to bits. But still I prayed and God answered, well, not by taking away the patchy lungs you had, but the infection was treated and you started to gain more weight.

We prayed hard to have you come home as soon as you could and God answered that after 91 days.

But when we took you to see the specialists at KKH and realised your issues were more serious than we originally thought, still we prayed that all these obstacles are necessary for us to overcome so that you would be healthy. And God answered, by helping us to place our trust in these doctors.

I prayed hard while you were in the High-Dependency Ward that the doctors will know what to do to help you, and I would do anything just so that you could be back at home for Christmas. I learnt from the HomeCare nurses on how to use the home medical equipment, how to change your continuous feeds and set up the machine, how to suction your built-up mucus and phlgem (you hated this and so did I, but someone had to do it).

And God answered, you finally came home the week before Christmas and it felt normal again. My family is back together.

I still wonder if I should have checked on you a few more times that day, or perhaps I was getting complacent and felt that everything would be alright. Perhaps I should have actually woke you up that morning instead of letting you sleep, even though I felt it strange you looked a bit too lethargic and listless that day.

The only time when I felt I would lose you was when you were rushed to the Hi-D ward, but when you came out fine, that fear never resurfaced.

Even when you were cold to touch, your milk had leaked out of your tube and I couldn’t wake you up no matter how hard I tried. I still didn’t think I would lose you. I screamed for your dad to come into the room, and he came in carrying your brother and didn’t know what to do, while I kept trying to shake you gently and a little firmer, but still you didn’t respond.

He finally called the ambulance, as I tried to perform CPR on you and when your tongue rolled out and didn’t retract, all that optimism was replaced by a thick fear and dread. I kept doing CPR, amidst the tears and calling your name, because that was the only thing I could do.

The paramedics came and took over, carrying your limp body in his arms while pressing on your chest. But the fear somewhat disappeared and I just felt you would survive yet another hurdle. The ride in the ambulance was a blur, I couldn’t see you because the paramedic’s back was facing me, but I felt you were in good hands. Surely you would be fine… God, you wouldn’t take her away now, would you?

I saw the ER team all assembled at the driveway, and once we alighted, you had already been wheeled into the room. One of the nurses ushered us into the room, and that was when I lost it. I finally cried big time seeing how serious things were becoming.

I remembered  the attending doctor who came to update us in the waiting room, that your condition was critical. I asked since your canula was still in place and the oxygen was still flowing, you would still be breathing right, it didn’t affect your brain right? I was searching for some kinda answer on his face, but the good doctor just said, technically it could be but unfortunately they had a hard time getting your blood pressure ‘cos it was too low, and you needed a dose of adrenaline. And that your heartbeat was faint. On hearing that your heart was still beating, I felt optimistic again, and we would just all survive this scare.

And then you left, just as the doctors were getting you ready for ICU.

I miss you everyday, Leia. “I have loved you for a thousand years. I’ll love you for a thousand more.”

Fighting A Battle: Getting Your Birth Order Recognised By The State

Your dad and I were shocked when we realised that the State doesn’t consider your birth order to be 2nd when I asked about applying for the government-paid maternity leave (GPML) for your new brother or sister. And in doing so, I felt I had to fight for your rights, even if you aren’t physically around anymore. But that opened up more questions instead.

After checking with the GPML department, I was not satisfied with the officer’s too professional and sterile answers and decided to write to the Minister for MCYS instead and very promptly received a telephone call from one of the senior MCYS officers and email replies.

Email To Minister Chan (MCYS) dated 30 April 2012:
Dear Minister Chan
  I hope in the midst of your busy schedule, you will take some time to read through this email and understand the anguish and heartache that has been brought about after getting the replies from the GML(CPF) officer, Ms Cxxx Yxxx.
 
  We, as parents, would also like to find out what is the rationale behind pegging the confinement order to the current living child/children.
 
   To summarise, I had written to GML(CPF) to find out and confirm if I qualify for the Govt-Paid Maternity Leave that would be granted for 3rd and subsequent child. 
 
   The reason being, my 2nd child, Leia, was born but passed away four months after delivery. She has her birth registered as a Singaporean (both my husband and I are Singapore Citizens) and has her birth cert. Hence to us, she is our second child and we reckon the State recognises her as such since her birth has been registered.   
  
    From what I had read on the GML website, stillborns would not be considered in the confinement order, that I understand as much. But my situation is rare, since we don’t expect children to die this young but such things do happen. Hence I felt perhaps it will be better to check with the GML(CPF) as I am now expecting my 3rd child and planning to apply for maternity leave later in the year.

  I have included the email exchanges between Ms Yxxx and I below for your reference.

  Ms Yxxx has been professional in her replies and provided me with the link to the huge Child Development Co-Savings Act and highlighted that the confinement order is based on the number of current living child/children. Hence my current pregnancy, if successful, will be considered as my 2nd child.

   My husband and I feel very perplexed, hurt and disappointed by this. We feel that parents who had children who died unexpectedly at a young age, would feel that our child has been conveniently ignored. That her birth, recognised by the State at birth and registered, has been cancelled out. That the order of her birth is reduced to nothing just because she didn’t live on. We feel very unfair for Leia, that even though it is a fact she had died, but it is also a reality that she was born alive and lived, even if it was for a short four months.

   To me, to simply quote the CDCA document and tell me that is the reason why my current pregnancy will be considered the 2nd confinement, and not the 3rd, is a slap in the face and a pain in my heart. It may be a very technical reason behind it, but I feel it is very unfair to the parents and to those young children whose lives were snuffed out unexpectedly. And I sure don’t understand why.

   As it is, to lose a child that young is already a tragedy, something we live with each day, and to consider having another after the death of our daughter, is something my husband and I mulled over for a year and a half but still we decided to try for a 3rd. Not because of any baby bonus, GML or whatever extras the government will give us, but because we still feel we want to be parents. The joy of having another child outweighs the fear of losing another.

   So, Minister Chan, my hope is that my daughter, Leia, will be considered as my 2nd child, not just within my family, but recognised by the State, especially since her birth had already been recognised by the State.

   Thank you for taking the time to read this and hope to hear from you soon.

Email Reply From The Senior MCYS Officer dated 9 May 2012 (days after we had spoken over the phone on the 3 May) and this email was mysteriously retracted thrice, which didn’t work cos I had opened the email.

Dear Ms Christina Lim,

  We refer to your email to Minister (Community Development, Youth and Sports) on 30 Apr 2012 and our tele-conversation on 03 May 2012, requesting us to re-determine the birth order of your third child for the purpose of Government-Paid Maternity Leave (GPML).

 2.   We are sorry to know of the loss of your 2nd child, Leia Tan. Under the Baby Bonus Scheme, Leia’s birth order remains as 2 and your newborn will be considered as birth order 3 under the Child Development Co-savings Act (CDCA).

3.    However, for the purpose of GPML claim by your employer, your newborn will be considered as the 2nd child. This is because the provisions on GPML in the CDCA are related to the maternity leave provisions in the Employment Act. In particular, the maternity leave entitlement in the Employment Act is only for the first and second child.  As such, the birth order definition of ‘living children’ will protect working women who give birth to 3 or more children but had lost a child earlier whether as a still-born or through illness.

4.    We would like to assure you that the determination of birth order has in no way undermined your entitlement to Baby Bonus or GPML benefits (as an employee) under the CDCA.

5.     We wish you and your family well.

And this email from MCYS caused me to question point 3 (we don’t understand the legal, civil service mumbo jumbo language). And it felt like they were making a compromise, by recognising your birth order for the Babybonus application but not for GPML.

So I shot back another email to them, after giving them the morning to explain why they had retracted this email or even send me another “updated” one.

Email Reply To The Senior MCYS Officer dated 10 May 2012

Dear Mrs Pxxx-Pxxx 

  Thanks for the reply.

  I read through your email a few times and had also forwarded it to my husband. However as the information described is in the standard formal language, we would like to just clarify a few points so that we have fully understood MCYS’ stand.

   1. Babybonus
Am I right to interpret that when I put in the Babybonus application for my 3rd child, if delivered successfully, it will be ok to state that I have two preceding children, inclusive Leia.

   2. GPML
My husband and I do not understand the statement “maternity leave entitlement in the Employment Act is only for the first and second child.  As such, the birth order definition of ‘living children’ will protect working women who give birth to 3 or more children but had lost a child earlier whether as a still-born or through illness”

We are unable to see how the birth order definition of “living children” protects working women with 3 or more children but lost a child. Since we do not know about the details of the Employment Act, we are unable to understand the rationale behind it.

Over our conversation on the 3 May, you did mention that if I was interested, you could get the Legal Dept to write to me to explain why the CDCA has defined confinement order according to living children, and I had replied that although this would be useful in helping me understand, I would still find this to be an unfair definition in my case. Perhaps if you could provide me with a bit more explanation, that may help.

While there must be some good reason for protecting that group of mothers/working women, but since we don’t see the rationale at this point, I feel that the birth order definition of “living children” doesn’t “protect” or assure mothers/working women who had one less child. We are obviously in the minority, but yet this minority exists.

You had also pointed out the scenario that if I had applied for maternity for my first child, Tyler, and subsequently my 2nd, Leia, then when I do apply for maternity leave for my newborn, the child would be considered my 3rd child. This would have been straightforward, except I wouldn’t have expected how things would turn out and also because my family was staying and working in HK, and there wasn’t any need for me to apply for maternity in S’pore. But if this was all done, I guess this current issue would not have turned out to be so sticky and in a sad way, resulted in lots of questions being asked and us feeling emotionally drained at times.

  I would like to reiterate that it isn’t the babybonus. GPML or any other benefits that we are concerned with, but it is our hope to have our daughter, Leia’s birth order, recognised officially in all aspects.

  My husband and I would also like to thank Minister Chan, MCYS and of course, you, for the patience and time taken to look into our situation.

  Thank you and best regards

So the officer tried to contact me the last two days, but she caught me at the wrong time… when I was teaching. And finally did the smart thing by sending another email

Email Reply From The Senior MCYS Officer dated 14 May 2012

Dear Ms Lim,

I have tried contacting you on the mobile phone on 11 and 14 May 2012 but there was no answer.

 2.  As mentioned in our earlier reply, your newborn child is considered 3rd child for Babybonus application.

 3.  However, for the purpose of Government-Paid Maternity Leave (GPML), your newborn child’s birth order is considered as 2. We would like to highlight we recognised Leia’s birth.

 4.   As for your request for an explanation of the confinement order in CDCA, Paragraph 3 in our earlier reply is drafted with inputs from our policy colleagues and colleagues from the National Population Talent Dept, Prime Minister’s Office.

 5.   I would also like to clarify that in the scenario if you had applied for GPML for Tyler and Leia, your new born’s birth order would still be considered as 2, for the purpose of GPML. In our tele-conversation, I pointed out the scenario to highlight that it might have felt better if you have applied for GPML and have received GPML for Leia then. Apologies if I have confused you in any way.

6.   Thank you for taking time to understand our reply.

I still don’t understand the rationale for pegging birth order to the number of living children and while I know it is not possible to get what I want in life, but when it’s for you and your rights, I would want to fight. Just as you had fought.